A Drunkard's Thanksgiving

drunk turkey

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of year, when family and friends get together, and celebrate all that we are thankful for.  Yeah, right.

Myself, I rent a couple of rooms in a house.  I don't have any family.  My friends all have some place to go on Thanksgiving.  My landlord will be here, and that's it.  It all sounds like a great excuse to get blasted, doesn't it?  Of course it does.  And that's exactly what I plan on doing.  But, once a year, I always do a Thanksgiving dinner, in the proper drunkard fashion.

You may ask what is a proper drunkard Thanksgiving?  It's the same as Bachelor Thanksgiving: everything is frozen, canned, or comes in a box.  Why put any effort into Thanksgiving dinner?  The whole point is to make a huge meal, and then go off to the bedroom and get loaded.  Even if I had a family and friends, I would still do things this way.  Yes, it's a tradition to do everything from scratch.  The truth be told, the scratch made Thanksgiving meal doesn't taste that much better than the drunkard version. 

First off, you need to know what to get.  Drunkard Thanksgiving does require some preparation.  I recommend going to Aldi's or Walmart.  Aldi is cheaper, which means more money left over for liquor.

What you will need to get:

aldi boneless
            turkey breast

Turkey: Get yourself a nice, small boneless turkey breast.  Pu it in the refrigerator to thaw a day or two before.  Pop it in your Crock Pot.  Throw away the gravy packet.

i buried paul

Cranberry sauce: Get it canned, of course.  Pop it in your refrigerator the night before.

pumpkin pie

Pump[kin pie: Get it fresh.  Toss it in your refrigerator the night before.


Dinner rolls:  No brown and serve crap, either.


Topping: Put this in the refrigerator to thaw the night before.


Sort of margarine like spread: You need this.  Again, pop it in the refrigerator the night before.


Wine: get some good cheap stuff.  This is a holiday, so you actually have a reason to drink.  Get a couple of bottles.  Oh sure, your drink of choice is probably Cisco, Mad Dog, Night Train or muscatel, but this is a special occasion.  Treat it as such.

green beans             gravy          cheese sauce                              

Green beans, gravy and cheese dip: Get them canned, of course.  No mixes!

           mashed potatoes 

Mashed potatoes: Get them frozen.  Sure, you can get instant mashed potatoes, but  --ewwww!  You have to measure stuff and follow directions.


Stuffing: I  tried looking up frozen stuffing, with no results.  This is fairly easy to make.

        cutlery, plastic          plastic cups         

paper plates          napkins

Eating supplies: Get the good stuff.  When you're done, just throw everything away.

crock pot           microwave         

warming table         
hot plate

Cooking supplies: A Crock Pot, a microwave and a warming tray are the minimum you need.  If you can get a hot plate as well, that would make things easier.

Thanksgiving morning: Put the turkey breast in your Crock Pot.  If you have one of those little racks they sell to hold meat out of the juices, use that.  Otherwise, wash some potatoes and line the bottom of the Crock Pot with them.  If you got up early in the morning (or are getting off of an all night bender) set the Crock Pot to low.  If you woke up at the crack of noon, set it to high.

What's nice about the typical Drunkard Thanksgiving is that you won't have to deal with family.  They have all decided to avoid you by now.  Do you remember the family get togethers when you were a kid?  Geez, as bad as things are now, being alone is a whole lot more fun than being with them.

Right about now it would be a good time to break out the wine and pour a couple of glasses.  Get good and hammered.  Call your ex girlfriend and talk to her.  She never did tell you why she left you, did she?  Sure, she's got a new boyfriend.  So what?  She was your girlfriend once.  She owes you.  Tell her you still love her.  That will piss her off.  Hopefully you will ruin her Thanksgiving.  You will get bonus points if her boyfriend gets on the phone and starts yelling at you.

Sleep it off.  You want to be sober for the next step.

An hour or so before dinner: Set the table.  Even if it's just you.  Heck, it probably will be just you.  Set the damned table.  Don't give me any lip. 

About a half an hour before dinner: Start heating everything up.  As each item gets heated, place it on your warming tray, and cover it up.

And there you have it.  Your Drunkard Thanksgiving.  Open up the next bottle of wine, and wonder why you went through all that effort  Hey, this is tradition.  If you do this, you can convince yourself that you're not so bad.  That's the ticket.

On no occasion should you call relatives.  You're depressed now.  You will get even more depressed if you talk to them.  They stopped calling you a long time ago, of course.

If you have any dirty dishes left (and you shouldn't, if you followed my directions), pop them in the sink, pour some hot water over them, and let them soak for a week.

The best thing to do now is to go to your TV set and watch The Science Fiction and Beer Channel until you fall asleep. 

You will know you had a good Thanksgiving if you find yourself waking up, lying in the bed sideways and completely naked.

Alternatively, there's always this for Thanksgiving:

banquet turkey dinner

Don't bother with their "Hungry Man" turkey dinner.  Get two of their plain old dollar turkey dinners.