The Lemay Brewing Company!

lemay brewing compny logo

 We at the Lemay Brewing Company are proud to be among the many fine businesses that populate Lemay.  We hope that we can fit in among the many gas stations, closed restaurants and gun shops that fill the area.

Our brewery building is one of the finest garage-breweries in the world.  Sure, the Belgians brag about how filthy their lambic breweries are-- but they've got nothing on us!

We proudly say that the thing that makes our beers different is the water.  Within sight of the Lemay Sewage Treatment Processing Facility, our water changes flavors and appearances with the seasons.  Sometimes there is the faint aroma that you can't put your finger on.  A visitor to Lemay took a sip of our water and gave it high praise: "Something is not quite right...".  Sometimes it's white, almost like milk.  But always, there is that wonderful chlorine undertaste that makes our water distinctive.  "We got some problems with the water.."  "What do I keep telling you?  The solution is always more chlorine."

Our beers have gotten many accolades.  In Lemay, when we offer our wares, inevitably we hear "Hey, this isn't Bud Light!  What do you mean, 'there's many kinds of beers.'  There's Bud, and Bud Light, and that's it."  Then they pull out a Decades menthol and start puffing.  In Lemay, this is high praise indeed.

Outside of Lemay, whenever we give our beers out, people always say "Yeah, this tastes like it came from Lemay all right."  And then they give us that sour look that shows we've done a good job.

We hope to have our beers on the market in early 2017.  We have several "firsts" under our belt, including: cf  

beer flavor

* First brewer to experiment with beer flavoring.  Normally you have to muck around with crushed grains, hot water, boiling times and so on .  What if you could get the exact same taste as good beer has, with artificial flavoring?  Think about it: put some beer flavor in a tank, along with some artificial coloring, head retainers,  alcohol and water.  The carbonation could be added at the time of bottling.  You'd have something that tasted like beer, fizzed like beer, and most importantly, was a lot cheaper to make than beer.  Think of the savings!

Oh sure, some Gloomy Guses would talk about tradition that goes back to the dawn of civilization, about beer being  living, breathing thing that needs to be cared for during its lifetime-- about how a mix of chemicals, no matter how identical in flavor and chemical composition, isn't the same thing.  We say: if Joe Sixpack can get his brewskis at $1.00 less per six pack, then he'd be willing, if not eager, to try our beer flavored concoction.  Let the market decide. 

 * First brewery to recycle old plastic soda bottles as new beer bottles.  We used to spend a lot of time washing off old labels, but then it was pointed out that all we had to do was make our labels bigger than the old labels.  Voila!  Problem solved,

* We have helped the environment by paying people to bring in old soda bottles.  We have a traveling van that cleans bottles, tests them for air tightness, and general appearance.  Our "bounty" is 10 cents a bottle.  We send out flyers saying what kind of bottles we want, and the condition and so on.  Our target audience for this program are  college students, winos, and SSI recipients.  People need money.  We need bottles.  Bottles are lying around everywhere.  It's a natural.

* We are test marketing a "Full bottles for empty bottles" program.   If someone comes in with, say, 1000 reusable 2 liter bottles, he gets a full bottle of beer.  This has worked especially well with the  college student and wino demographic.  We're still working on totals.  The recyclers would prefer a 1:1 ratio: 1 empty 2 liter bottle for a full one.  We think the 1000:1 ratio is fair.  The open market will decide what the final rate will be.

 

2 liter beer bottle

 

 * Our innovative single serving 2 liter "Inner City Specials" are sure to take the market by storm.  Other innovations, such as having the single serving 2 liter bottles sold pre-wrapped in paper bags, got an enthusiastic "thumbs up" from customers and liquor store employees.

* Our "curb your drinking" promotion got a lot of positive remarks from liquor store customers.  Response from owners was mixed.  We went around to liquor stores, setting up signs in their parking lots that certain curb areas were for drinking, and not for parking.  

 * First brewery to post a "Dead On" date on bottles to ensure freshness.  What is this "Born on" and "Best if used by" nonsense?  People don't pay attention to that.  In test marketing, we did find that "This sh*t will kill you if you drink it after..." did not fare so well among normal customers.  We did see sales rise among the perpetually depressed/Goth crowd, but not enough to counteract the loss in sales from non suicidal customers.  While we think that suicidal drinkers are an as yet untapped market, we do not have the marketing expertise to attract them.

* We did have a section here devoted to our rants about preventing underage drinking.  But screw that.  We're not the parents of these people.  We're not the retail salesmen.  We sell wholesale to distributors, who then sell our products to retail outlets.  Our responsibility on this issue is zero. 

* One proposition we would like to float: raise the drinking age to 40.  Many people complain that with the drinking age at 21, that gives some high school kids access to alcohol-based beverages, because they would have friends in that age range.  One way to end this would be to raise the drinking age to 40.  That would completely eliminate any high schooler' access to alcohol-based beverages.  This would also cut down on much adult drinking as well.  It's a win-win situation! 

Some people might decry this simple solution as unworkable.  Sure it is, but it isn't any less absurd than what we are doing now.  Other alcohol-based beverage companies come up with the same old same old: "education" line that has yet to work.  We here at the Lemay Brewing Company believe that our unworkable solution needs to be assessed, because it's a new, unworkable solution.

 

lemay brewing company mascot

Seriously, this is all in good fun.  There is no Lemay Brewing Company (though it would fit right in in Lemay).  This is a parody website created by a home brewer.  I make up "Lemay Brewing Company" labels for my beers, and that's as far as it goes.  But it sure would be a mighty fine idea for a brewery, wouldn't it?