Drunkard Desperation Dining


Spam: Breakfast of Champions! 

Last updated 03/14/2019

There you are. It's near the end of the month. You've sold your food stamp card for more money to buy alcohol (the going rate is 50% of the value on the card, so hopefully you got your money's worth). You've even run out of canned yams from the food pantry. All you have are a few basics, and some MREs you were given over the years, but never ate.

Good lord man, pull yourself together! All you need to do is have some basics on hand. Since you live on junk food, when you had money you didn't even look at the basic supplies you had. But now that it's the end of the month, desperation will force you to action.

In olden times, people knew nothing about nutrition. They assumed that if you had a full belly, that was a good enough. Those were forward thinking people.

Just keep this in mind: ancient sailors ate nothing but biscuits (hardtack) and salt pork, and other than having some deficiency diseases, losing teeth, dying, and so on, they did fine. You have a lot more resources on hand.

Your four new food groups are gravy, alcohol, fat, and salt. Ignore any health nuts that tell you otherwise. You're on a special diet now.

You need non perishable items that can be stored anywhere. All of these items can be bought at Dollar Tree. Load up your pantry with the following:

Instant mashed potatoes. They take hardly any effort to make.

Flour: you can do so much with this stuff. You can make a whole meal around it

Milk powder: easier to keep than regular milk, and it doesn't spoil.

Salt and pepper: the only spices you will ever need.

Spam, or its generic equivalent: get several cans. The Dollar Tree version is just as good as the real stuff.

Sugar: Anything can be made tolerable with this. Or just eat it straight out of the bag.

Chicken and beef bullion cubes: useful for soups, gravies, and so on.

Vegetable oil: very useful for a lot of recipes.

Bisquick: you can make a ton of stuff with this.

Canned mixed vegetables: OK, these are really awful. You'd never eat them if you had some junk food on hand. But they can be used in all sorts of stuff, from soups to main dishes.

Ramen noodles: These can be added to anything. For a quick snack, just eat them uncooked. Prisoners refer to ramen as “Mexican potato chips.”

The Recipes

Biscuits and sawmill gravy:


1 cup water
1/3 cup milk powder
2 TBS flour
1 TBS oil
¼ tsp pepper
½ can Spam, chopped up and fried

Mix everything together, and microwave it, stirring occasionally, until thick.


2 ¼ cups Bisquick
2/3 cup milk

Mix together , and drop by spoonfulls onto greased baking sheet. 450 degrees for 10 to 15 min.

This produced a good, salty gravy, and the chemical tang of Bisquick really adds to the flavor.

Standard chicken or beef gravy:

1 cup water
1 chicken or beef bullion cube
2 TBS oil
2 TBS flour

Put the bullion cube in the water and let sit for a few minutes. Crush it with a spoon until dissolved. Mix in remaining ingredients, and heat until thick, stirring frequently.

Mashed potatoes and gravy:

2/3 cup instant mashed potatoes
1 cup waier
1 TBS oil.

Ignore what the box says.  You don't need all those fancy ingredients like milk or butter.  Mix together, and microwave until hot. Make 1 cup of either beef, chicken, or sawmill gravy and pout over the mashed potatoes.



1 can Spam or equivalent
oil for frying
bread of some sort

Cut spam into slices..  Fry it up on both sides. 

White sauce/Cream gravy

1 cup milk
2 TBS flour
2 TBS oil
salt and pepper to taste

Mix it all together, and microwave until hot, stirring occasionally.

This stuff is versatile. Let's say you have some canned mixed vegetables, green beans, potatoes or whatever: just make some of this and pour it over the heated vegetables. You'll have a right fancy meal there, old sot!


Chicken or beef vegetable soup

1 cam mixed vegetables
1 cup water
1 chicken or beef bullion cube

Mix it all together, and heat it until hot and the bullion cube is dissolved.

Vegetable noodle souip

Fix a bag of ramen noodles, breasking them up before boiling.  Add 1 can mixed vegetables, draineds.  heat and serve.

Noodles alfredo

1 recipe white sauce
1 package ramen noodles, boken into pieces, cooked and drained
ramen noodle seasoning

Mix itr all together. For an added treat, chop up half a can of Spam, fry it up, and add it. Good eats!

The Final Act of Desperation Dinner:

OK. You're down to flour, oil, sugar, salt and pepper. Nothing else is left. But you can still dine like a king!


2 TBS oil
2 TBS flour
1 cup water
salt and pepper to taste

Mix the oil and the flour together. Brown the flour, and then add the water. Stir until thick.

Fried dough:

1 cup flour
1 cup water
2 TBS sugar (optional)
Lots of oil for deep frying

Heat up the oil. Use a piece of bread to tell when it's ready. If the bread browns, it's hot enough.

Pour the dough into the oil. When it browns on one side, flip it over and brown it on the other side.

Sprinkle it with sugar, and serve. Or leave the sugar out, and eat it as a main dish.

College Student Recipes

If any college students live in your apartment building, ask them for what they eat.  Chances are they have even less moeny than you.  They also have stronger stomachs than you, so be forewarned.  Here are a couple of genuine college student rtecipes:

Noodles and Mustard

Mix flour and water until you have a stiff dough.  Either pull out small lunps of it, or chop it into pieces.  Boil in water until cooked.  Pour salad mustard over it, and serve.

popcorn popped in vaseline

Popcorn popped in Vaseline

Sometimes all you have is popcorn.  You don't have any oil.  What to dfo?  Get some popcorn, and instead of using oil, use Vaseline.  Use plenty of salt.

Yes, It's Come To This. Deal With It.


There you are, after a good, long round of binge drinking. You wake up, and there is nothing in the apartment. Nothing that is, except for some army MREs (Meals, Ready to Eat) that you had acquired somehow.

You've been reluctant to eat them. To you, eating them would be one more step down in the ladder that is your life. You've heard the stories of how horrible thy are; how the troops call them Meals Refused by Ethiopians and so on.

There is no choice but to live on those MREs until some more money comes in.

As far as a health choice, MREs are loaded in salt, sugar,t and calories. The average calorie count is 1,250 per MRE. That calorie count includes everything in the meal, including the drink mix and the sugar for the coffee.

But then again you get drunk every day, so health is your least concern. You need at least 2,000 calories a day to survive. You'd need 750 more calories per day. That's about 5 cans of beer, or 6 glasses of wine, or about 12 shots of vodka.

In other words, as an irresponsible drunk, all you'd need is an MRE per day. You probably drink more than the above amounts, so that would mean leaving out some of the sugary stuff in the MREs. So much the better!

0Good lord man, this is actually a healthy decision for you. You can tell friends and family members that you're on a diet. And, like most diets, the food will be terrible. That's what makes it so healthy.

I must also add that in situations where the troops eat MREs are in training or combat situations. Generally, they don't bother heating them up: they just east them out of the package. If you have a typical drunkard thrift store microwave (the tiny ones under 1000 watts), usually the main and secondary courses can be emptied into small bowls and microwaved until hot, which is about 3 minutes.

Some MREs come with individual one use heating pouches. Just pour water into the pouch, pop your MRE in, and let it cook. For a drunkard, these are dangerous, as they contain lye. Throw the heat pack away and eat them cold if you don't have a microwave.

I was going to go over some of the contents of the MREs I had. Several companies make them. Some of them are nearly identical to what our troops eat, and some of them are made up by survivalist companies and so on. As a result, there is no definitive guide to s and what they contain. But I can give general guidelines.

The main course is going to be some sort of gloppy, thick stew like substance. Vegetarian lasagna, as an example, is nothing less than Hamburger Helper mixed with chili beans. Picture store brand canned beef stew. That is essentially what the main courses in MREs are like.

The second course can be anything from cherry cobbler (which is nothing more than cherry pie filling with some oatmeal flakes added) to cornbread stuffing (which has the texture of bread mixed with water and allowed to form a gooey glop).

You have some sort of dessert too, such as a marble cake or chocolate chip cookie. There is also bread, which is either a large cracker or a roll in the shape of a slice of bread. Also included is jelly (or, rarely, peanut butter).

You also get a drink mix, and some instant coffee, dry creamer, sugar, salt, pepper and gum.

The old army C rations from the past included cigarettes and matches. Why they left out such essentials in modern MREs is beyond me.

The drink mix calls for 1 ½ cups (½ canteen) full of water. It tastes much better if you use just 1 cup of water. Or, better still, vodka.

MREs are fine for a day or two. After that, even the serious drinking man will find them hard to take. Of course, if you don't mind having the sh*ts every day, then MREs would make a good dietary choice.

Come on. Try them. You know you've hit bottom already. You have no reason to hold back now.