A Drunkard's Christmas

drunk santa
Festive holiday screensavers will make your spirits bright!

We thought long and hard on this.  That is to say, we downed a couple of beers while we stared at the computer screen.  A lot of people just redo Thanksgiving dinner for Christmas.  That is not the Drunkard way!  Christmas dinner must be different from Thanksgiving dinner.  One rule of Drunkard holiday dinners: if you do Thanksgiving dinner, you don't have to do Christmas dinner.  You need to do at least one of the holiday dinners, so that you can prove to yourself (and to others) that things really haven't degenerated to the point that you're nonfunctional. 

Read over the A Drunkard's Thanksgiving page to see what sort of cooking supplies you need.  A lot of that applies here, and I'm not repeating myself.

This will be the last in the series on holiday meals.  The other supposed "holidays" are what I call "kiss my ass holidays"-- only bank and post office employees get off work on those days.  There's no need to celebrate them, or even change your regular routine: spend your entire disability check by the second of the month, spend all of your food stamp funds on junk food by the end of the first week, and then do pretty much nothing but drink for the rest of the month.

Yes, there's new year's eve to celebrate, but the way people celebrate that6 is to do what you do every day: lots of drinking.

Try to clean the place up a bit.  Put all of the trash on your floor in boxes, and put them in your closet.  Clean off your kitchen table too.  There's no need to go overboard with cleaning.  A trash free floor and a clean kitchen table is more than enough work.  Have a drink to celebrate.

You'll be alone, of course.  This is a good thing,  You don't want family or friends saying "Oh my God" under their breath over and over.

Decorating Your Hovel

You need decorations, but you don't want to put any effort into it.  There is a simple way out of that dilemma. Download a screensaver that has Christmas images.  Chances are you live in a studio apartment, so your computer will be visible during the day's festivities.  That will send a message: "It's Christmas, I'm celebrating the holiday, but I really don't give a shit."

gift bag

You need some wrapped presents.  Luckily enough, the fad now is to put presents in colorful bags.  Go to Dollar Tree and get a few of those. Pop whatever stuff you don't want in them.  These are not for giving: they're for display.  You can use them from year to year. 

Christmas dinner requires almost no preparation.  Pop some stuff in the microwave, set the table, drink a lot, and sleep it off.  Simple and basic.

The Main Course

The standard Christmas main dish is of course the Christmas ham.  Honey baked ham is always a favorite. 

spam     honey like syrup flavored substance


Get a can of Spam.  Spam is short for spiced ham.  You won't have to spice it up!  Go to Dollar Tree and get a bottle of their Junior Bear honey flavored syrup.  You'll be blasted anyway, so you won't know the difference.

Put the Spam on a microwave safe glass dish.  Squeeze some of that imitation honey food like syrup over the Spam, and microwave it for about 5 minutes.

Vegetable #1

Yes, I get it.  You don't normally eat vegetables (no, french fries don't count)-.  You can do it for one day.  Then you can go back to your junk food diet.

The standard holiday vegetable is that green bean casserole.  The reason people only make it for the holidays is because it takes a year to forget how bad it really tastes.

green beans        green beans      cream of
            mushroom soup        fried onions

2 cans green beans, drained
1 can mushroom soup
1 can fried onions

Mix the mushroom soup, the green beans, and half the can of fried onions together.  Microwave until hot.  Sprinkle the remaining fried onions on the top, and try to enjoy it.  Seriously, this is the holiday season. 

Vegetable #2

This is another traditional Christmas dish.  Try not to gag too much when you eat it.  The food pantry probably gives you a lot of canned yams.  Now you can do something with them.

canned yams      mini marshmallows

1 can yams, undrained
1/4 cup sugar
1 tsp pumpkin pie spice
1 cup mini mushrooms

Mix it all together and microwave  until hot.


A Little Drinky Drinky

egg nog      rum

This is the holiday.  You've got a golden ticket to drink.  People expect a lot of drinking on  Christmas.  Get to it already!  Those bottles of liquor aren't going to drink themselves, are they?

Traditionally, eggnog is the Christmas drink.  Get a carton of eggnog and mix it with a bottle of spiced rum.  Any sized carton of eggnog and any sized bottle of rum will do.  Yeah, that works.  The best spiced rum always has an inaccurate representation of a historical person on the label.  If in doubt, ask a store employee for "a bottle of that knockoff spiced rum."  Sure, regular, unflavored store brand rum normally is fine, but these are the holidays.  Treat them with respect.


wassail


Alternatively, there is wassail.  This is the Drunkard version, which is a lot easier to make, and has a wee bit more ethyl alcohol than traditional recipes.
 
1 cup apple juice
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup orange juice
1/4 cup lemon juice
3/4 cup pineapple juice
  1.5 liter bottle spiced rum

Put this all in a crock pot.  Put it on low and consume when warm.  Take a dip in it from time to time throughout the day.  To make it look traditional, toss 2-3 whole apples in it while it's warming.  Sure, no one will be there to see it, but the whole point is that this is all about appearances.  That's the Drunkard way.

While you're getting loaded on this, keep looking at this picture.  You aren't getting loaded, like you do every day.  This is what you're doing.  Only there's no woman there, you're not wearing fancy clothes, and you're dipping your coffee mug into a crock pot to drink the stuff.  But still, the spirit is there, even though you don't really give a shit.  Pretend that you do, and you might convince yourself.

Vegetable #3
 
The standard Christmas meal consists of mashed potatoes.  Go for something unique, like a quality box of au gratin potatoes.  Sounds kind of fancy, doesn't it?  You bet it does.  I'm pretty sure "au gratin" means "consume with liquor."  Have a good stiff one while you're making this.  Yes, it's a mix.  Yes, you have to follow directions and stuff. Deal with it.


au gratin potatoes


Sometime during the preparation of this meal, after you've kicked back a few, you need to call your ex girlfriend.  She probably still thinks that Christmas means something, so she might actually talk to you for a few minutes before hanging up.  Act real normal and happy.  You're good at doing that sort of thing, at least for a while.  When she has let he guard down, let the bitterness out. Take her by surprise.  Hopefully, she'll start crying.  There!  Your work is done.  Ah, that's what the holidays are all about.

Dessert

Go with the traditional apple pie.  Fruitcake or raisin pudding will make you hurl.  Don't bother with pumpkin pie.    Get a bunch of those single serving pies.

apple pie

That's it.  You're done.  You've done a traditional Christmas dinner.  Since there's no one else there, you haven't had any arguments, and there's at least a good chance that no furniture was destroyed.  Finish up the wassail and sleep it off.  Now you can go back to doing what you do every day.